secrets leaked.

i'm in trouble.

killed my monkey

-

i gave in

to sweetness of chocolate

special

yummy delcious easter egg

chocolate

major indulgnece

it was a gift

for someone else

'the big egg'

3.99

i was standing next to a large sign proclaiming it's barcode for 4 hours that felt like a year today

but i've no idea what it i...

9316729 something something something

hmmm

interesting.

-

tori is grand.

tori is

more than grand she is

Divinity.

-

my face becomes so incredibly flawed whenever he's there

i don't understand it

my body put up a major resistance

i began bleeding

on the...

3rd day? 4th day..

and

wow

what is that?

tori.

just sing

-

i need to be drowning

it's why i choose to bury myself

(see, i am..slowly...burying myself)

in

indulgences

words and

pot

why do you smoke so much pot jess?

why have you been doing it for so long, it's supposed to be just a...teenage rebellion thing right

(you need to stop hearing things.)

i keep

snatching out my earphones

because i think someones yelling at me

but

i only find silence

empty silence

occasional scattered voice or burst of music from the radio in sams room but thats

it.

-

dave

calls me

darl and

says he'll become a junkie with me.

someone wants to become a junkie with me.

how glorious.

-

amanda i miss you.

i just had the thought of going to your diary and typing that and the words whats pretty in that little box of yours (ohh ha ha)

so i think i will.

when i finish

saying whatever it is i'm trying to say here

hello amanda.

i have big bruises. i like it.

-

everything seems to be spinning around

truth

and reality and

death

really death dying i'm going to die soon those kinds of things

moments

how many..3? maybe 4 moments on thursday night (a week, one week ago.)

utterly convinced

i'm about to die.

we're all

going to die

and gabe, that gorgeous little freckled sad god loving girl

she felt it

i could tell

and she wanted it

like me and was terrified

(like me)

-

and so

it's inevitable isnt it.

mr..

Mr. Concrete Junglist

suede...

ohhh darling, don't do it...

the egg was enough

enough chocolate, enough

indulgence..this

power over me

not because you

no...don't feel something for me

-

i can't remember what i've already said about it but

i got a song

i have a song.

no comment.

-

i'm going to have to listen to precious things soon...

-

so much to get out

i can sense the finality of it because in my books

they are

well

coming together

beautifully..incredibly..find new words darling

but they are

almost finished..

maybe

-

i'm feeling this need to

cut my sister off

for awhile

-

i think bek really likes the song

jackies strength

like a dream....took me a second to realise that it wasn't

it's just that

everything there

with them and me and i guess it becomes an us

it flows and it's

mark said something

maybe absinthe night? no idea...

but he was talking about..being stoned maybe

and he said

he liked the way

everything feels like a really good dream..but it's not, it's real

thats what it all feels like.

-

(the threshold of greatness girl)

-

you're talking shit boy.

he's talking shit to me.

-

somebody tell him to shut up...

-

so i like it

i'm

struggling here but still

so happy so inspired so living in a storybook feeling like a dream but it's REAL isn't it, it's all Real.

-

wow it feels so good to be getting words out of me

i had this moment before..

it's been cold tonight

(i love it) and i went to

wash some dishes and

lifted up my sleeve and my

pink scars

were purple

because of the cold and my skin

looked

plasticy

and white

dead.

i so badly wanted to be bleeding

to see beautiful crimson - such a deep red it would be, i can imgine it perfectly just dripping..slowly making it's way over my skin and the lines left from long ago and

you know how

sometimes

the blood feels cold

you feel this

coldness

on you

ohh it would be so cold

but the thought i had in my head

with all of that

i remembered

i said to myself

'i'm a girl who bleeds'

-

it was a

really nice moment.

benny's gone

it's a good thing

i'm not sure if want to do this constant everynight conversation thing again

at the moment

just not right i should be...

mark

is real.

and the house and bek and sad dave and b...ambiguous(?) b

-

but it bleeds into where he resists

-

i loved to hear mark

telling bek

that if she cared to lift up my sleeves of my skirt or my shirt

she'd see

decorations

and to hear her say

'yeah, the gills'

and mark

jump up

'how does she - how do you - how does she know about the gills?!'

and mark

sweet smile and sad eyes

hey jess i have this cut

on my arm

and i've had it for 3 days and it was this huge great scab and

i had a shower tongight

and it came off

and i was really pissed but

you can still see it.

(so pretty and pink..fresh looking, you know how they look...it will scar for a long time)

i don't know where it came from...it just appeared.

the strange thing is

in my dreams

when he was there all week

when he was

wanting to cook steak and eggs

i think i had cut him

in the same place, the same way

strange...not sure

entirely

but it was so beautiful.

he is so beautiful, he is....he is

for me.

-

i've no real recollection of what i've been writing about here

hmmmm none at all

it's 12:22am

the little time box tells me i started writing this at 11:43pm

wow.

i had a conversation with benny in there somewhere

and listened to a whole tori album.

the whole thing.

thats crazy mans talk.

-

i got a phonecall from the toothless poet yesterday

well..now the day before yesterday but whatever..

hmmm it was nice

he too may be going to brisbane..

how interesting scott welsh, how incredibly intersting you are

tells me i inspire him.

i like that.

there's chocolate and caramel slice in the fridge.

and more scotch, more cigarettes

lots more pot

amanda

i got

'almost a quarter' as a gift..

from i imagine you would know who

it was

wow

holy shit

2 buds both quite a bit longer and fatter than my finger

very nice.....

i don't even have to ask anymore it seems...amazing

suede starts again

time

for me to go

i still have more of that evil easter egg left too

and i'm re-reading favourite sections of veronika decides to die

i may pull out something slightly nostalgic tonight

adrian mole..

maybe even poe.

ohhhhh or lewis...

or look for something totally different..

i have lots of second hand poetry books..

i should look at those

indulgence night.

hmmmmm a pleasure everytime..

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next