am

-

awake again...

-

so whats happening

need to sit down and

collect

myself

(pick myself up off the floor...look around, remember what just happened?)

a day of truthfulness

and a dream about 12:59 and i'm in bed

wake up i'm not going to work today..5am mornings, i need to sleep..and the sickness

and reality.

i need to sleep.

--

an email to mark about nakedness all day and an invitation to join me should he feel so inclined..

the other night...if you're reading this..you don't know it all, maybe

if you haven't already...maybe click between the bad and the worse and

rockstar fights..well

-

and rockstar fights didn't end that night it

carries on

even still

but

i'm going to brisbane today

in

hmm...about 11 hours?

-

and right now

on the 16th of april, 2004

i'm sitting here in the dark listening to a perfect circle and i'm feeling all

post

--------------

ok.......what happened today.

lets count back the moments...

-

wake up later to a message from the toothless poet

it's maybe 2:14pm..

he's written me a letter, wants to know if my address has changed

and then later a phonecall to bek and she's doing chips cheeses and gravy and saying why aren't you at work jess and it's glove day

but we didn't wear the gloves.

and then marks calling my mobile

(i was naked until maybe4:30 or there abouts today....fucking brilliant.)

and there's excuses and strange talk and tension and bitterness (vitriol) and

call me when you and bek are doing what you're doing

-

and then..was it before or after mark though?

but a conversation

a 12 minute conversation with mr scott welsh toothless poet extroadinaire

and it seems

i'm a muse

and a cure to somebody's writers block

how intriguing..

-

and then benny

out of nowhere but so Not

out of nowhere you're there and i'm craving honesty and truthfulness and Real..something real

and you're there so

i show you..rockstar fights and then i show you....all the rest and leave you to read..leave you to..see what it is and was ad..whatever else

and you're wanting a phonecall

and you're saying don't go

and it's

strange.

but it's true.

-

i know you.

-

and then beks here

and it's great.

Great.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreat!!!!!!!

she's so beautiful......the building bek - the building!!!!!!!!

(rama rama)

and she's saying

she doesn't want the moodiness, she asks me! whats going on with his mood swings jess?

and i say bek, ive been planning on asking you the same question

so strange...

fancy coffee.....anger begins, a message..i'm not involved, Collin...

i remember him.

strange that it's him though...somehow i wasn't surprised.

and debbie

from history one day

maybe two..

and she is So beautiful and So passionate and the two of them...i believe they must have something amazing.

they are both incredibly beautiful.

2 more to add to the list...wow

(see's me walking wants to say hello looks like a cool chick lacking balls you know but i see you i do and i know you too)

feel this...it's a tear

debbie! how beautiful...how perfect it was

-

and mark and collin fight fight fight and theres big talk and more harsh words and SUBTEXT mark you're talking to them like you're talking to me and it's Not Cool

and everything is war isn't it

you're living what you love, you're doing it yourself..making battles

non emotional?

wow.

-

and elbow. wow. elbow.

i think they blow my mind.

mark blows my mind.

-

and then theres joints in the rain on the street and i'm spinning again spin around and around and around till i almost fall over..i never fall over though

-

the fighting boys exit the car and come over to us and we've been thinking i hope they're having beautiful mments and reconnecting and whatever else but then thhey're yelling and being harsh

again so we leave

and it's my house

and we're all silent and smoking and thats it Thats It

and marks saying he should leave he should leave because me and bek should be having our fun but all i want is him him him i want to talk and know and see whats happening and

i know he wants to tell me

say something

interact

we're all 3rd wheels

-

so he drops some hints and after maybe half an hour of build up they leave and so i

get stoned and come online and surprise surprise there he is and we talk

and he tells me he can't forgive me he's so fucking angry about the other night and he can't stand to be near me and despises every second of my prescence and wants to scream at me

and that he can't believe how brutally honest he's being

and i loved it, i'm so thankful for that honesty because i needed it too

and i don't know what to think or say and i'm sending messages to bek why why why bek, because i can't handle him or it i don't know what to do i don't know at all

and on it goes...

till i'm saying i wish i could see you and thats the truth and he says to cal so i disconnect and have a cigarette and think it over for awhile

and then it happens and there's talk

lots of talk

lots of hurt

and truth truth truth

all of it truth.

and then there's a

what are you thinking right now and with all the truth and with all the

everything i just say well, to be completely honest..lets just say not much

and you know what i mean

and you push it, you want to know exactly what i was thinking so i tell you

naked in my bed don't even have to be touching i just want to make it all ok again

and then

you're silenced

and i know that you feel it

and thats when it comes

'are you going to come back to brisbane for awhle?'

and i'm amazed...

because

because thats amazing

and i'm uncertain because....on and on it's going to go and i have to ask when will it stop but it seems i'm praying for it not too

what will happen then?

so many things mark.....there will be beautiful moments at some point.

i love you.

-

and then

inevitable i guess

and promised almost

deserved

a phonecall to benny

yes it's..nearly 4am but still..

he appreciated it.

and that was beautiful.

i got a beautiful but....puzzling email. i don't know what to do about benny. he is true. but mark is...here.

mark is.

-

and now

looking for sense perhaps?

looking for something..help me if you can

-

i just have no fucking idea.

and it;s 5:11am now and..i don't know if i'm going to sleep tonight.

i think a

hello beautiful miss victoria is in order perhaps..

yes

hello beautiful miss victoria

sorry about the wait.

----

well i don't know.

it's still going isn't it.

it's not going to stop yet.

and my body is sore and my heart is my mind is

my mind is no idea

my mind is not myne

nothing is myne

and it's all just going to keep on happening, drawing up to a massive crescendo perhaps..thrashing around

-

i guess i just have to.....wait and see what happens.

it's going to end at some point.

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