open wound.

salted.

-

sent this message yesterday

saying when i think of you now i only feel empty

saying saying saying....all the recycled words you know

-

and because i get these visuals

of standing in front of you with scissors in my hand

(chop chop)

and just digging them into your chest

and making mush

of whatever i find in there.

thumbtacks in your skin.

-

and then i get visuals

sometimes

of my hands in your hair

and your breath

and tongue

(!!!)

in my ear

you just on top of me or..me

on top of you

but it doesn't go far

more disgusted

than turned on

-

sorry sorry sorry sorry

why am i saying that?

sorry sorry sorry sorry

-

over things in all directions

cut them off for awhile, cut them All Off.

-

run away it's divine?

yeah run away

it's divine.

-

try to detach

try to decrease

to make it easier on me..

despise myself

for what you've done..

-

yeah

reduced to sprouting off lyrics

do you feel the same anyway?

FEEL WHAT?!

thres no feeling there.

real flesh.

-

i need to be a little stronger you know

i need to make some kind of Proper stand

in my feeling hurt and used and empty message

i also said that

i would still like to see you this weekend.

if you still want me to.

what the fuck is that?

you expect

you expect what jess? fucking jesus

-

but i've got some shit sorted

i used to flake out

at work

all the time

have no fucking idea but now

well i'm all fucking over it you know

multi tasking with the very best of them

giving change transferring calls organising

customer assistance

and mr

sound and vision now furniture guy

well i met him on the stairs yesterday

i was with kylie and i really appreciate

the way i was looked at

and told that he works mornings now

i liked that smile.

i liked that

i like it.

-

and there are new people

at work

young people..school kids working afternoons and

one of these new boys

i think perhaps is a little intrigued

and miss alissa, fellow scorpio

(usually a bitch too, but i have mass respect for her most of the time.)

kept him on registers

in the service desk actually

so i just had to stand there and fold up some doilies and HUGE old ladies underwear and write out some barcodes etc.

and direct people to his register

and he just stares...he has interesting facial expressions or something living under his eyes?

gives me urgent looks

when he's asked a question he doesn't know the answer to.

there's a cute girl with pink and purple hair

(amanda, you may have seen her at school? blue shirt..)

maybe she'll be working today.

-

maybe i'll fall in love.

concrete junglist hey?

well i don't know

he says 'would you like to share a tent'?

well i guess so...i guess so

(i get butterflies just thinking about it)

but now

there's doubt here too see

doubt doubt doubt

i just question myself you know, utterly despise myself and think well

he will too.

soon enough.

and so i think if i just

stay quiet

for a couple of days

try and find out why my fucking head is doing

and my body....the sickness

my brother mentioned the nothing the other night....

'if you believe in the nothing...just comes and swallows people up till there's nothing left'

yeah...i know the nothing well.

and excuse me, neon ballroom is fucking Great.

-

lack of conversation

i suck at conversation

i just plain don't know what to say to people

i find i usually want to ask people strange questions

about blood or sex or dreams or what do you think of beastiality?

but you know....alot of the time thats just not appropriate

because she's just so stale you know

you would've noticed, if you've been reading all these ramblings

recycle recycle recycle

something New

-

sydney sydney sydney

'soon to be moving to sydney self'

ahhhh maybe

soon to be dead?

god i fucking hope so

it would make things alot easier you know.

but he wrote songs for you....

empty though

filler if the void is solely yours

-

i wonder if the fact that

the first real conversation we had after that month where he had disappeared into brisbane and miss bek was tickling my...

womanhood

was about

how we'd both been

depressed

and how

we had these giant holes

(matching voids, how pretty)

that needed desperately to be filled.

and you said

i don't think i can love anymore.

and you're right.

black heart.

you can't.

but then but then but then

you know how you climbed in my window and took off your clothes and tried to explain some things to me

about how hard it was for you

to not have contact with me

how you miss miss miss me

closest thing i have to love

for you for you for you

no....see, i don't think so darling

and yes

you are Beautiful

you are Fucking Gorgeous

and no doubt i'll continue to think of you when i get myself off for quite awhile

but whats it good for?

you've got even less answers than me

and you just refuse to ask questions

you always crap on about your libran need for balance?

this must've been hell for you...

there was nothing Balanced about it.

-

i miss something.

i want a life.

i should move or get another job or cut my hair or kill myself or

or something.

something something something.

-

watercolour stain

frustrated by your apathy

can you tell i've got some time to kill?

-

jess.

lets start over.

(thats pointless, you know i can't do that)

what else are you going to do?

(move on)

progress.

ahhh it's too daunting.

my dad wants me to take a 12 moth traineeship as a fucking legal secretary.

12 months?

in hervey bay?

good god no!! i shudder at the thought..

it would surely be the end of me.

i feel this place is rotten to the core.

-

oh

excuse me

who cares to hear a funny story?

last week sometime

this man came into work

and was so Fucking familiar it was unbelievable

i could've sworn he was this boy

who a good..oh, 2-3 years ago? i spent a night with...butter and massage oil and funny faces and bianca so wet she needed a fucking towel

on the sunshine coast...friends with the infamous sex demigod dave

(but..he lives on the coast, couldn't be him)

BUT

i knew something was strange when i realised i could picture perfectly..i knwe, perfectly

what this man looked like whilst having an orgasm.

now....you know..

so yesterday

he came in again and i had to say

i'm positive i know you from somewhere

and yes

indeedy

his name is Daniel Holmes.

he moved to hervey bay..not long ago

he did alot of speed

way back when i knew him

(wonder if he still does..?)

i don't know if it clicked

when he was standing in front of me

i think it hit him as he was walking out the door

because he kind of stopped

and turned around with this funny smile

wow

b

-

who reads just-fine?

she makes me so sad..these last couple of months

i can't bear it sometimes

-

what can i say..

death becomes clear through bloodshot eyes.

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