i'm listening to grace right now

if thats any indication

(which for anyone but...me, it probably wouldn't be)

-

so ahhhhh exhale.........

today when i got to work

as i went to walk through the staff only door

do you know what song

came blasting out of the warehouse loud speaker things?

no?

it was natalie imbruglia

that

didn't wanna leave you with my last confession or something like that song

and it made me cry.

because he apparantly

he was listening alot

to white lillies island not so long ago

and miss bek despised it.

----------------

bad case of the can't sleeps again

this morning.

i went to bed at 1..

woke up a couple of times between then and 4:06

at 4:47 there was a new pj song

on the radio

i was still awake to hear it

(oh excuse me but it was fucking brilliant. i believe it was called 'shame'..she sounds different. i think)

whoever was doing the 1-6 shift at triple j this morning was fantastic.

anyway

i was still awake

when adam and will came on

at 6.

just lying in bed.

i didn't move

all that time

i could've written

oh i could've written books

fucking films

or smoked even

but no

just

kept warm

-

tried to avoid

the feelings in my stomach and all these funny sad little

nostalgic thoughts

longing now for the clouds to fly me away

-

perhaps this cd wasn't a good idea

-

see it was my choice wasn't it

it was my final move.

i popped the bubble.

who would've thought.

probably just beating you to the punch though

or just doing what you wouldn't

perhaps you would've just let the whole thing sliiiiiiiiiiiide

-

can't help it.

there's all these good things tied in there

all these great great things

all these amazing feelings

ah

but i have to remember.

what else has come

-

reminds me of the pain

i might leave behind.

i want to hear him sing

i want to hear him sing MY SONGS.

i want that head resting in my lap i want to be playing

with your hair

again

i want

total freedom

complete unrestricted access

to your body.

and oh

i want your heart back

i think

i need for you to pretend that we are in love again.

this weekend.

all weekend.

i want to hold your hand

i want to bury myself in it like i know that i can

i want to get lost, please let me get lost in you again

and i so didn't want to do this.

sit here and

beg

to be let back in

Really didn't want to do this.

-

and i think wow

there's going to be these moments

the first one

is going to be walking in with bags

of stuff

and well

where am i going to put them?

where am i going to sleep?

would my bags still be welcome at the bottom right hand corner of your door?

right next to the bookcase

(kiss me)

-

and you've got a bed now

and will i be

on a mattress on whose floor?

-

and i've found that all day today

i've been wanting to call you

i miss your voice

i miss your smile.

i miss you.

i don't want to cry.....

don't cry.

-

how surreal.

how totally fucking SURREAL that

i had something so fucking Beautiful

to lose.

to choose to lose.

come on

be honest?

to have

to lose.

-

unhealthy

bad bad bad for me AND for you

bad for both of us.

bad for the soul.

i lost myself on a cold damp night

-

come back.

bring your heart back to me.

lets go back to that night on the driveway

when i pushed the first couple of daggers

into your spine

first thorns in your

crown.

(listen to me)

and i won't say anything.

i'll keep my mouth shut

all you'll hear will be you're so pretty's

all the nice things.

i'll

sing

to you.

-

and you

you you you can take back all the things that hurt

lets erase it all, lets make believe like we are stragers and i don't know your name yet and i've been in your thoughts for a week or two

and lets never hurt eachother.

ever again.

and when something annoys or pinches tenderspots we just air brush over it and make believe again like it's not there

lets live in a state of extreme denial

come on

you know we could make it work

-

you called me a whore.

you're the only person who ever had me truly feeling like one

now

isn't that

ironic

or something like that.

-

i still can't seem to fathom the reality of him.

real people.

i'm a real person.

-

i'm well aware this whole thing is disgusting

feel free to vomit right in my face.

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