i send an email saying what if i'm just a thought like that and i wrap the warmth of me around inanimate objects wishing and hoping and pushing you onto them and eventually they become warm and wet and feel like i remember you to.

and i doubt you also sat staring at our blank space.

and i imagine the two of you now in conversation at the dinner table and any thought of me is gone but oh how i hope i linger with you?

i hope that i haunt you too.

-

purely selfish. what if you have nothing for me.

-

and this boy i'm Supposed to be sending all my love to

oh

oh.

well it has been almost a year

this is too pathetic.

i read her shit and she says that she bleeds talks about it so crudely it makes me angry though i don't know why i do just the same and you know that i too stole what was hers and gave it dirty words

i just don't think i want to fathom that this is over. maybe i should go and have a shower scrub it out again try and vomit whats it for just to make me physically empty as well as everything else

i'm rotting severely seriously stinking out the house i find people still talk to themselves things they can't bare to honestly say

i search your profile for a translation.

somewhere some part of me holds intense hope for us like just as if we could be so perfect so fucking good together if given the chance but thats stupid and irrational because i know that the things that irritate are things that have been bread into you

(SHUT THE FUCK UP!)

i or you could never change and we clash on many levels but still still somewhere maybe just we have the same lifestyle we like the same shit you know maybe we'd be fantastical friends but so much emotion and shit gets in the way and it's hard to talk and it's hard to breathe and i get overwhelmed and stop making sense and you get overwhelmed and stop making an effort.

and we end up fighting and then fucking and the whole thing is rendered empty and emotionless, loveless, but i love you. remember i love you before i knew you. remember your the reason i went through everything i went through, just to bring me to here, to you.

those words are so irrelevent, so definately true of any given moment, good or bad

at the time.

golden age.

it's a mess we're in can i say that?

--

but it's like if you'd make the effort i would to i would dive right in with you i would do it all again and it's easy for me to say now i'm ready and willing to give my whole heart to you (remember thinking and trying it months ago but he wasn't open, his phone was off the hook? or were you jut fooling yourself touching a penis is a way of saying see i do love you but that didn't work either anyway)

but i mean i don't honestly know if it's true, not just for you i don't know if i could deliver that to anyone - and maybe you're not supposed to you know, i'm so fucking young this is just ridiculous - i sit here carrying on as though i hold the weight of the world in my heart but what do i know of that? i have this tunnel vision where i see what i want i have kaliedoscope eyes where i can distort any picture into what i want it to be you know this whole thing feels hopeless this whole life feels hopeless

any thought of redemption rendered obsolete.

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