it's pathetic

and i know he didn't mean it the way i firt chose to read it

whole world he says

see it together

he says

i'm meeting a lovely boy in 16 days who fancies himself **in love** with me

i shouldn't be so fucking focused on

wanting to kill myself you know

on ummmm

hating every part of myself

oh, just shit like that

shouldn't be focused on it.

-

i feel like i should warn him i have horrible thighs

there are girls

with worse thighs than me

who have boys that love them.

mark never complained about my thighs, not that

you know, he openly would

ah listen to this

stupid.

-

earlier i was talking about

feeding little girls egos

and asking someone to please just go away because i don't want to talk about what you want to talk about

i'm dying my hair purple tomorrow

like black

purple

thing

-

i wanted to get my lip pierced on friday but really

shouldn't spend all that money

and stuff...

we'll see. i'll be with my mum. maybe.

maybe.

-

all black and bright colours

white (i know, not a colour) pink orange blue

leave me alone says a pretty face

turtlenecks

how absurd

all side parts and smudgey eyes

like tear stains

just droplets..

one, then another one.

(greater tree above)

oh shoosh

i speak

unintelligable rubbish

i'm just amazed that you

put up with with it

comfort it

say

i know you don't mean it?

but i so do.

every fucking word.

but as she says

i'm not trying to break your heart

i'm just trying not to fall apart.

-

ahhhh tired.

sleep now she says but i've got a couple of hours to go i think

phone numbers

away for christmas in july, the last couple of days

i've had overwhelming urges to kiss your cheek

your hand even

to call you 'Lady...'

to say it's an immense pleasure to Meet you..

but

well

i dont know

-

an old man said you've got to get out

there was something after it that i didn't quite catch

not even the second or third time he said it

you've got to get out.

-

a pretty english girl with dreads fatter than

maybe 3 of my fingers

little face

nice smile

freckled nose

-

all the little girls on school holidays with their black hair

and their cute clothes

and annoying over it quickly attitiudes

and the stares

sometimes

there's nothing better

than being stared at

-

i could be a symphony.

(whats a place like this, doing in a girl like me?)

he draws pictures

i don't know if i'm supposed to publish his artwork

but

(the janet saw it and said she hopes he doesn't think i dress like that because if he does he's in for a big surprise. which is true. but..i think he knows. maybe)

days when my feet don't touch the ground

can you fucking Fathom it baby?

fucking.......swallow that.

ha.

-

incredibly tired

these big sleep ins

like i'm

catching up on so much

dreams dreams where are you?????

total blankness

-

cigarette fingers

the nice warm velvety blanket of stoned

thats my comfort corner

most definately

-

i should

abandon all my doubts and fears and bad thoughts

and focus on you

for the next

21 days at least

and if after that

i've reason to slip back into it, then it will mean that everything good is gone so slip i may

slip like i've never slipped before, slip like the knot in a noose

if i've reason to.

i give you permission

to end your life.

when there's nothing left.

(rubbish rubbish rubbish)

there will never honestly be nothing left.

it will only seem that way

i know this.

i also know that the world is beautiful, that life, Life, is such an amazing gift

that there is SO MUCH that we don't know

don't comprehend

that just around the corner may be the opportunity of my life

i know i know i know

doesn't change how i feel

i want little cuts all over my hands

i want warehouse shoppers to know that the monday-thursday afternoon service desk girl is FUCKED UP

if they don't already

they all seem to really like me.

an old man said i brightened his day

i didn't even do anything

just scanned his goods and took his money

gave him smiles

smiles

babies and old people

everyone

crazy people

everyone except angry people

seem incredibly responsive to smiles

like they are a life source

love and happiness

as essential as a stable diet?

realised i'm averaging eating 2-3 items (eg. an apple, some m&ms and some chips/a meat pie, bottle of fanta) a day

i see these pretty bones and

it's actually kind of exciting

to see

you know..sagging skin and like, fleshy chubchub bits

places to work on

i need something to focus on you know..

something to work towards

i'm not sure why i'm speaking so openly about This in here

well it is my diary i suppose

so it makes sens

to talk openly

about whats on my mind and what i'm doing

i'm right off chocolate

like the thougt of it makes me kind of queasy? takes awhile to build up to eating it

hmmm i like these things

wouldn't it be nice to just be locked up with a computer lots of drugs and a suitable food supply

for

awhile

however long

i would love it.

love it.

i'm going to go do something else.

i hope that..you out there

(you)

are you know..happy. and stuff.

i hope you finish reading this and do something that makes you smile.

actually, fuck that, i want to make you smile

smile

because i'm quite sure, you're amazingly beautiful.

goodnight stranger who knows my thoughts. (and amanda) xox

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