i read an article the other day that ripped shreds off him. michael moore.

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all of a sudden i'm 11 years old and crying because i'm not sure which cds to take and i don't really like it at grandma and grandads. the clock makes it hard to sleep. counting purple tiles. my mum sharing maybe the best advice anyones ever given me.

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all of a sudden i'm 14 and it's the day after valentines day and i'm so drunk i think i'm going to vomit and some boy with a big nose and ugly face is trying to stick his dick in me when i'm Bleeding already. i'm passing out and waking up to shouts and grunts and moans. i smile.

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all of a sudden i'm 15 and there's a whole series of nameless cocks pounding into me from behind. whats one or two or twelve..

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all of a sudden i'm 16 and think myself better. smarter. stronger. a little lost and sad but ok (in retrospect). but thenthenthen i'm lying on my back with the sweat of a 41 year old irish man dripping in my eyes and all over my cheeks throat chest.

and i'm people telling me that to do.

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all of a sudden i'm aged 4 and upwards and not allowed to have long hair, and not allowed to wear anything i like, forced to wear callots when i preferred skirts.

all of a sudden i'm 8 and throwing myself off of trampolines

5 and throwing myself off of beds

13 and throwing myself on the floor. against walls.

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i'm waiting for friday all week, excited about a blue light disco. dress ups and shitty techno, riding in style. waiting in long lines and checking out who's here. who should i fall in love with tonight? then i'm dancing in the dark, i would know the words to every song, regardless of whether i liked it or not, feeling bold and asking cute boys to dance and then kissing them..because i could feel their breath on my neck and their hard little dicks against my legs.

and then sleeping next to that shirt all week because **it smells like Him**

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i'm a fat girl in a new school in a new town. small town. i'm oblivious, and obviously clueless.

immediately getting in with the wrong crowd. dating a boy called michael rainbow, and then sucking a 21 year olds penis. ugly skinny bucktoothed 21 year old. at a fat nextdoor neighbours house.

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all of a sudden i'm hippie jess.

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all of a sudden i'm nobody. free to be anonymous, excluding the odd encounter with someone who knew me from school 2-3 years ago, or a friend of my sisters. didn't work.

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still nobody. always nobody.

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all of a sudden i'm locked in a bedroom, all of a sudden i'm totally in love with the most beautiful boy i've ever seen.

all of a sudden he's breaking my heart

and i'm breaking his.

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all of a sudden i'm broken down phonecalls and abandoned mother/daughter relationships.

isn't it sad.

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it will pass in time.

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all of a sudden i'm alone but theres someone

who i respect. and that is a foriegn feeling. but i think it's what keeps me coming back.

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(it's like)

i almost regret everything i've ever done.

or like except for in the last 7 months there's nothing at all that i would change.

like i know nothing at all right now

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like i'm Not going to kill myself anytime soon because i'm all together too scared of pain, and maybe

well maybe

this person i've so much respect for

maybe we're going to do something beautiful together.

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something with flowers in the windows maybe.

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all of a sudden i'm....15?

and walking down beach rd with a "good friend," her sister and this slightly strange definately spunky girl i don't yet know very well

talking crap flapping my arms around and she tells me that i think too much. and i'm....grateful.

then she vomits on my carpet, if she wasn't so damn nice i may never have forgiven her for that.

ha! mwah.

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all of a sudden i fancy myself a writer an artist an individual, somebody special, a RockStar

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all of a sudden i'm worthless but my reflection looks good i'm fairy wings and stickers under eyes and glitter glitter glitter

longbeach mild cigarettes.

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all of a sudden i'm not too scared to show my sister what i'm like.

all of a sudden i'm full of suggestion.

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all of a sudden..sick of reading those 4 words yet? sorry.

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(you amaze me.)

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