i fell asleep yesterday afternoon for 2 hours and woke up feeling incredibly disorientated.

i knew where i was i just had no concept of what day it was, or what i'd been doing or thinking or feeling or who i was before i fell asleep.

i thought maybe i'd have to go to work soon.

it was 5:15 or thereabouts.

anyway

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i woke up this morning feeling like i hadn't slept at all

i must've had a dream sometime this week where mark died because every now and then i find myself thinking of things as if he has

like i wonder how beks going

maybe she doesn't want to talk to me because it hurts or something

then i remembered, he's not actually dead

i don't know where the ideas come from, i don't remember the dream but i guess that must be it.

-

i don't know. i'm really disappointed because i felt like i'd just fallen (over) again in the space of a day and a night.

because..because because because

because i don't know, it had made me realise that i was worried about the stupidest shit and that

meeting you would be easy.

i was getting on so well with this person, this stranger so i thought well fuck

what was i worried about?

because because because..something made me say fuck me like a whore and it definately wasn't the person sitting in front of me.

and then

don't you love the feeling when you realise that you're falling for someone.

yes i do. fuck you too.

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not even that. usually maybe i wouldn't even care

although i should

i guess

i'm just sick of it.

back and forth whats the fucking point

why didn't you do this a week ago, i was convinced that you were gone.

i was convinced that you were gone you were gone you were gone

silence is easy. it just becomes me.

fuck

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i'm working every day this week i almost wish it was all day every day because then i could wake up early in the morning and spend 8 hours at work and come home and get stoned and fall asleep

over and over and over again

i don't want to listen, i don't want to think, i just really don't want to know.

yeah..what the fuck

as in what the FUCK is going on.

i want bek.

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