he is alive and kicking and screaming

(probably not)

he's alive and in the same town as me anyway.

rings and cd's.

jacket. hair. you're to die for.

watch me.

---

and miss bek. came to rescue me.

and she did

have me rescued for hours.

---

i don't know what else to say. he's not dead.

he's beautiful.

i hope i never see him again.

(god, no i don't) yes..no

i obviously have no idea.

------------

i've come back to this entry because it just wasn't quite complete and i want to keep talking and..yeah

-

i'd just finished work and went to walk home and then realised i had no papers left so would have to go into..centro

so i did, i got my papers and chips i wasn't sure i wanted and walked out and all of a sudden saw his

form

moving, floating as he does

first reaction was to duck straight into sanity and hope that he'd pass without seeing me

second was fuck it. so i walked out and just as well because he was heading in my direction and he probably thinks that he saw me first.

i was shaking. because he always makes me shake. but i didn't tell him and don't think he noticed.

i wonder if he noticed the ring on left thumb.

i never pay enough attention to what bracelets are on his wrist.

i bought muse today. he's seeing muse in september

this was the album he must've been listening to when

...

-

he looked amazing. i got good vibes off him but seeing him just sent my head spinning

which is to be expected.

what do i do with it? i never know if i want to hit him or kiss him.

not like it matters, not like he cares.

fuck.

-

this all scares the hell out of me.

fucking jackets

see what i want to do when i see those jackets is just grab buttons.

endlessly i want my body so close to yours.

this is so pointless.

he was with miss amy. hmm miss amy. seems incredibly lovely, more so everytime i see her even

but i don't know, mark used to say she was in love with him.

and yeah, when i see her..always with them

strange glints in eyes.

you were just a passing phase she says. or not, i don't know what she says..i understand even. heh

-

the shem boy sent me a message saying our night was 'so surreal'

yes, it was.

he sent the message just after 12 and i still haven't written back.

-

nothing satisfies.

nothing seems to pacify this.

not mark things, not anyone things

just the

it.

you all know, you all have an it.

nothing stops it, nothing takes it away

we're all just drowning.

-

a sadness in him? there's way too many things i want to know to possibly pick up answers from those..3? minutes

way too many.

i had an urge earlier to try beks mobile and see if he was with her and i wanted to ask

if he would just

hang out

with me for a little while, get a coffee maybe..smoke too many cigarettes and just talk because i want to know where his head is at and whats going on in his world and how he is and

anything. i just want to know.

i want pieces of him, i guess.

and maybe he

won't give them to me because

i don't deserve them?

he's saving me trouble, pain, hurt etc etc?

something in me seemed to think he had the answers to everything. that he always knew Exactly what he was doing.

that he had it figured out. it? no..

-

we used to talk about how people don't take pretty blonde girls seriously, which is kind of sad because alot of times, they probably should

i wonder if i never took him seriously

because of his physical appearance and charm and the effect he had on every girl in me.

the way he made me grow up. and changed my entire World and didn't even notice.

and this. the way he stole my words, still does! just a thought and 3 minutes.

so hard to look at you in passing, look at you and Smile Politely

like friends right.

soon we won't even have to wave?

-

marvel.

maverick. i got called a player.

i spilled truth at 3am, can you believe it?

noted the hour and all of a sudden, couldn't cotrol it

hello honesty.

-

hello august.

there is this simon and garfunkel song.

i think it's called april come she will.

i might even grab the lyrics and wack them in here, what the hell, i haven't had a massive entry for awhile

..maybe? (smile for me)

anyway, while i do that..i just went and had pipes and am feeling all kinda warm and fuzzy somehow, like i want to communicate with..shh jess

---

April come she will

When streams are ripe and swelled with rain;

May, she will stay,

Resting in my arms again.

June, she'll change her tune,

In restless walks she'll prowl the night;

July, she will fly

And give no warning to her flight.

August, die she must,

The autumn winds blow chilly and cold;

September I'll remember

A love once new has now grown old.

i could tell you how this i autobirographical. well for me. or how i have made it so. anyway

i won't.

but it's a pretty song. really.

i hadn't listened to it for awhile

but i've been thinking about it

ever since i realised it was nearly august.

hmm but i put it on just now.

just for a quick break from mr bellamy.

--

ahh fuck.

ten-eleven.

five out of ten baby, hit or miss, i wish i knew

why don't i want to

talk to you.

-

kisses on foreheads

i should really finish this. whatever it is.

-

i would kiss your ripped skin by the way? bleeding heart, my dear..float away, but come back. an irrational almost urgent want to just make everything better, alright for you.

as if i could do it, just like that. irrational..but incredibly sincere.

i should go to bed or something..

kisses on foreheads for all of you.

(lovely isn't it. click!)

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