not here

today.

grumpy face in front of the tv..

-

ahh phonecalls and i get these stupid fucking ideas

like from nothing, the tiniest hint and i just spin and spin and come up with some amazing possibility

suggestion

-

stare out glass doors for hours

trying to figure out if it's frank sinatra or van morrison

sinatra never sang moondance did he? didn't think so

the same person and i had an argument about goths

here's me thinking they're just born that way he says

black hair and everything

he's got cancer

we used to argue in grade 11 modern history

-

and that girl

whistled at me today

hmm

well thats bad and arousing on so many levels

do you know who she is? my my

*shakes head....hmmm sneaky smirk*

sorry for using those star things

-

and i really really miss you.

not even a week

wooooooo siiiiiiiiiigh darling

just breathe it all out

-

i had to dye my hair today

really desperately, it was crazy

i just felt

stupidly urgent about having to have DARK hair

not that it's every anything but dark

but it was all browny red

and really soft, amanda you should see

but it's all

dark purple now

which is so much better

i'd like to rip shreds off my face

a man who shops at the warehouse calls me blondie

apparantly one day i told him i was a natural blonde?

i think he's confused..but he's lovely, he comes in alot

..and calls me blondie, which is nice

-

i get really angry at work when people don't make eye contact with me? it really gets to me

so i find, from that first moment when they just don't look at me when they talk i just

become very sharp in my movements? snatching things even, slamming the register drawer

funny isn't it

it vanishes with them

-

i'm all a perfect circle

really good.

-

oh and apparantly a package was meant to be left for me at my spot today?

but i missed it

please don't cry

i hope hope hope it wasn't the care package

........oh bek

love

-

i'm feeling kind of

ok i think

like i've gotten a hold on something again

i don't know how long it will last

it's still kind of..timid like a newborn

i was so

unstrung

and messy

and it just kind of

well i don't know what happened to it

i've been writing so much the last couple of days, on paper

just so much

and even

structuring things

into poems? actually kind of sitting down with something and

well i don't know

and lots of pictures

of the girl face

every page

different everytime

same girl? i'm not sure

not sure

chronicling

-

my dreams were epic this morning.

truly.

i can't remember them

all i can remember is..for what felt like hours

trekking through these amazing landscapes

of rock formations

they were huge, higher than new york city skyscrapers even

touching heaven kind of high, i couldn't see the tops of some and the bottom was

well i could hardly see it as well

huge.

and the rocks were all these beautiful smooth, round (really really big) but kind of flat boulder/stone things, piled one on top of the other, to form these huge

i don't even kow what to call them..pillars

hmmm but they were all intricately sort of designed (oh yes! designed) so as to have these paths between rocks..bridges even

hmm and a hot rock pool spa type thing somewhere? steaming

huge amounts of sunlight

[for some reason it reminds me of a dream i had where i was doing what seemed like some kind of farm schooling? in a cametary]

i was walking with maybe 2 other people, girls

blonde hair

maybe.

-

there was more though, lots more..different scenery

juxtaposed even

lost to me

i didn't really remember the stones until an hour or so after i woke up?

dreams are intense aren't they

-

i do feel better. in something.

i miss you. but i love you, so it's ok.

hmm shy away phantom

-

like i got all bent out of shape

rounding myself out again

-

also i think somethings coming.

as in brewing, in the near future.

i should hope so you know

but there's churnings in my stomach that are different to usual and this rounding out

always seems to happen before some big event

that sets off a domino effect of sorts

also i'm peeing an absurd amount. really absurd. every twenty minutes or something at times, for hours

and SORE! it comes and goes but when it comes, holy Fuck.

i think i should go to a doctor.

i hope no one got grossed out just then.

i just said grossed out.

oh it feels good

to be rounding out

like my insides can stretch and readjust a bit

i'm going to be ok this time, for now

for now

all i need (for now)

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