they were full of smiles of course, but intimidation and uncertainty always seemed to get the better of us.

i would've rushed in with a hug and a kiss everytime.

i was OVERFLOWING with caresses but there were

lines

to cross, to steer away from until i was given some kind of green light.

so i would be fiddling with anything in sight, running my hand over walls and tables and doors and benchtops

just to get the action out of me.

as if, even though, undoubtedly in a matter of hours the two of us would be completely naked and as close as two humans can be

there were a series of formalities that had to be carried out first

(wouldn't want people to get the wrong idea.)

-

there is your thumb, on top of me.

-

and goodbyes were always so unsatisfying, not just for us but for our audience as well i imagine

usually after a period of such high emotion and fuelled atmosphere it would be concluded with small talk and a wave

it had me puzzled, to no end

but i can look closely and see through it all

and not wanting to start it for fear of not being able to put a stop to it

time was always limited and there was a feeling of blending into the furniture

the couch.

i was like your couch, you could lay back on me and read a book

-

gaze is dangerous, i am recounting these things with most definately little to no sentiment attached

-

and there's so very many letters i could pen, getting angry or getting desperate

and so very many more nights i could spend in your prescence

moments you could breathe life into

retired worn out exhausted DEFEATED.

oh no, not me

not me.

ohhh coward. liar. Thief.

MAN. just like any Other Man.

-

and i Regret things. and i made Wrong Choices.

and there are so many things I could've done better

or done at all

-

recounting for no purpoe

i need something to do

-

and life changing mind bending beauty and gratitude

and empathy

-

disgust.

somehow that was always there

-

and you hide. retreat. complete refusal to face up

and i don't respect you at all.

(i don't repect you at all.)

write as many songs as you like.

you appear to leave minimum space for growth

and i talk about things i know nothing about

-

but shining through everything

there is a definite charm to you

and your workings, your

routine.

i imagine even as a married woman, you would make my knee's go weak

but maybe that is just the glittery pedastool of first loves

-

i'm high like heaven

strong like music

slow like honey and heavy with mood.

---

shining through everything

i'm sure your 2am voice will never leave my memory

i'm sure your more imprinted on me than the scars on my skin. some of them holding your name.

---

(i realise what i am now too smart to mention to you)

little to no sentiment involved.

--

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