home again, it's nice i guess

nice to be back in this chair, i'm always most comfortable with my legs folded up, crossed, whatever

the lotus position? so comfy..but i constantly get numb legs

the bus was lovely, it was all rain and far off lightning, a german boy and an american girl chatting away and passing the time

i wanted to see what they both looked like after listening to their conversation but lost them when we got off..there was a crying girl and people talking on phones

i wonder if the german and american are going to have sex tonight. i think he wants to and she's a little..reluctant

-

and it was full of lovely bek messages, she was all seven years old in the backseat and singing out tunes..i love that girl so much

i will miss her incredibly when i go..even though, as it's been said she's already four hours away

that ring burns my finger sometimes and even starts to weigh down my hand

-

purely placebo perhaps

what is it with me buying pants and then they don't look as good as i thought

really..what is it?

-

the people here are quiet and we all tend to keep ourselves to ourselves

benny and i have been having severe communication problems this last little while

it's hard to pick a point really

there's too many

-

i'm just at a loss for words really, for fear of boring him, or rambling nervously (why be nervous? of all people, why be so nervous with him?)

and this stupid jealousy thing, it gets in the way

-

surprising

it would probably be better if we stopped chatting, we both agree on that but neither of us seems to be able to help ourselves

he says he can't deny our connection.

-

i would like to be able to remember what our first conversation was about. i remember even that first night going to sleep smiling thinking 'this is something special'

thinking of him to put me to sleep

i wonder what it was that was so

amazing.

-

is there light at the end of this tunnel?

-

miss bek...from brilliant cassettes and what are you taping, talking of ani, jumping up and down straight away..she just excited me

to sitting in a gutter 'i have a thing for beautiful women' and anidar, little earthquakes and pj pictures

text messages during foreplay (lots of those really..unreplied) driving back from woodford coffee and getting stoned at that park, blankets, how many sounds do you think we can here..five freddo frogs for two dollars

and then educated guess..and all that that brought with it, amazing amounts. the beginning of triple text messages and truths spilt out in the wee hours...naked phonecalls in the dark, waking up and falling asleep..days and weeks spent wrapped up in that world

to groping and dangerous roundabouts..spaghetti twirls, the dawning of happy vagina, brainstorming in the hallway, spinning around on trains and twine square, miss om at starbucks, the man with the fake accent, sleazy drug lord making goggley eyes..the ian the linda the psychologist the moses sticks and being scared of puddles, going back the way we came...and all the rest, i love that girl so much.

she's just beauty and divine grace and eveything, all over

i want to wrap her up and hug her right now, so hard, and not let go for hours..cotton wool and silk..the smelling of the hair...hmm i feel the missing her in my stomach, i could even cry now that i'm thinking about it this much. this year would've been lost and food for the wolves without her. she amazes me.

-

(there's things that you believe about yourself that don't add up)

you know i always had this feeling of really high self worth, always this belief that i was..special

rockstar. hello, learn to write music first dear

i don't know always felt older different radiant

i'm not sure when i began to despise myself so much, i don't recall it's absence or a moment where it definitely started

how do the two go hand in hand? two extremes really, so undecided

careers can tie into this, i've ever only had one real idea of what i would like to do career wise and thats..psychology

i'm not sure if that will ever happen, maybe in a year or so if i'm alive maybe i'll be "better" and would be able to go back and finish school and maybe go to uni or something

i'm scared of handing in assignments because i hate the thought of teachers judging me on my work. stupid isn't it. well maybe not.

the official fiction isn't NEARLY as good as echolalia

or beautiful sharks.

hmm hope and wellwishes to all those people in florida and...there's somewhere else..stuck in the hurricanes. not that hope and wellwishes do much for people whose houses and businesses have been destroyed.

hmm sometimes it's nice to feel small.

(in a few more days, i'll be out of your way)

-

i was only away for two nights and i missed little cosmo a crazy amount.

isn't that funny, in the last couple of months though that little cat and i have gotten closer than ever...she sleeps under the covers you know, i even let her steal my pillow

it makes me think maybe it's not such a great idea to leave her here for awhile until i get a job and stuff, i'd miss her so muc and then maybe she'd be angry at me and it would take a while to get back to how we are now. i'll have a little chat with her i guess

mm she's here now, lovely and soft and little forehead kisses

(i know things now that i didn't know then)

second guessing

for some reason i can't help but appear

unsatisfied and impatient.

i hope everybody had a really good weekend.

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