i would love it

if she read this.

secretly in dark rooms, having a handy escape page to click up should someone walk in...like it's porn.

-

i would love it.

-

i found a lost conversation that i'd saved

where someone

who likes to read

said show me your diaries

and i rambled on (..made excuses? didn't want to use the 'o' word..didn't want to Offend. and it would. almost every word. because it's just like that, and me..well i'm like this..jessica, you've got to ....oh do something. different.)

rambled on about how, it's quite intimidating, showing a person "all two hundred and eighty entries"

i..wow. it didn't feel like that long ago, and gasp! i'd like to say "so much has happened" or something like that..but it really hasn't.

-

"what have we done?"

took down all the pictures...took down all the walls

i won't see him.

maybe i won't even see her.

there are two entries before this one. they are boring also, but not as bad as this. i hope so anyway.

i'm totally avoiding how i'm actually feeling.

i think i'm weening myself off pot as well. i was quite stoned a little while ago (i'm stoned now) but..well thats why i said 'weening off'

and i wanted to fix my resume but the computer is gay so i can't until my dad comes home.

i could make a whole new one.

oh.......well no

-

i think it's happened. i think it happened just after midnight this morning.

yeah. because i feel these things sometimes, it's a mutual thing

-

the feeling that i am avoiding is this big hollow nothingness not just in the core of my being, but it envelopes my entire life, my entire..bubble of perception

everything..hollow and flimsy and FRAIL (he said frail..amazing)

empty...but hurting.

hurt.

ouch..not a 'victim'...just ouch

-

and maybe the emptiness at everything

for the right now of it at least

is because of that...that suspected happening. time of year i guess. shit.

numb!

thats it.

i am completely numb.

but i feel the ache...ouch, dreamy

sedated

like a poison dart in my back that i cant quite reach and of course can't see..what is that?

sharp, but spreading

i will be unconscious soon and none of this will matter.

-

my goodbye sucked so i had to change it

ahh hmmhmm mm 5 6 7

write me off please. no white me out.

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