daddy.

-

maybe it's just something

they would say it's because he's "jealous"

that he wanted similiar things for his life (freedom, limitlessness) but instead got a wife, three kids and a mortgage all at the ripe old age of nineteen.

well thats his fault, not myne.

i don't understand it. the constant

underestimating, disbelieving

he doubts that i've actually had a job for the past eleven months.

yes, i dress up in that uniform for FUN!

-

he says harsh things and it breaks my heart and he appears uncaring and self(and janet) centered (maybe thats where I get it from)

and now i'm forced into that...unresponsive - it's just easier this way mentality

just stay quiet.

don't let him know...that it hurts. because then it'll just get worse.

and double standards. jessica get a licence jessica get a job go to school

i have a job. i don't want/need a licence. and school, fuck you. (ha)

and then....and then it's perfectly fine (respectable like..what do you tell your friends about him daddy???) for his twenty-seven year old son to be living at home running his nice little illegal herb and chemical wholesale "business" (from home)

to be driving around in dads old cars without a licence

to be doing notihing but his illegal activity, and recreational sports. i love my brother,love him to bits but i hate shit like this

the whole paying for 3 years of uni that went nowhere and then going back and dropping out and hey, thats fine, we don't care..

-

nag him. no don't, don't nag anyone

and we're treated like an inconvenience, like he'd much prefer if we didn't exist but then it's

so important that we be at family functions.

well fuck you, i'm not going. no way i've got too much shit to do this weekend. remember christmas? i sat in the car...it was better than just..sitting in view of everyone. just sitting.

-

and You, you.

i've an inkling you're one of the biggest hypocrites, liars, blasphemers i've ever encountered.

whic is so sad and so incredibly unexpected that these recent events

well i just can't..fathom it.

and i hate your silence. because

i hate it.

-

everything reminds me of things, it's stupid

why did it leave such a gross unavoidable scar?

a dirty mark.

stain

(remember when you slept through the night)

don't mind me i'm just feeling sorry for myself and milking playing the victim..

-

i fear it's coming back again..i've felt it today.

i had a happy busy beautiful day but i felt it

lurking in shadows

it worries me.

that it will be running into full swing in oh, lets say about a week?

i can't do that, i don't need that

go away please, stupid suicidal phases, go away..

go away

-

(what if i'm not even meant to be alive)

-

i wish i had the words to express what feel right now. i wish i had the time.

even more so, i wish it wasn't

happening

this way

-

please.

please..

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